Jaded Over Emotional Loneliness

Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Strong as a storm's wind, mighty as the ocean's current, this roller coaster ride has brought me to a new dimension. The thrill, the risk and the possibilities remain to be deciphered but one thing remains without question-I am in for the trouble I've long crafted.

Decisions, choices, they pave the path of fate in a person's life. Today's plot is a product of yesterday's events. Sadly enough, the undo option only exists in operating systems where mistakes apparently become part of the ordinary. Life gives you a transcript of the actual - no rewinds, everything headed forward. Dealing with the aftermath of the traces I've left has posed to be one turning point in my quest to see what's in store for me.

Over the past few months, I’ve been too hard on myself trying to get convinced with one thing – that I am happy. But am I, really? I can practice deceit anytime and pretend I’m en route to where I should be, but time gave me a painful slap on the face. I really can’t fool myself over and over again. It’s useless. Long have I wanted to settle undying issues that have been plaguing my mind but no, it really takes two to tango. I didn’t fight that battle alone; because it was “you” and me way back. It was “us,” nobody else. I stood and took a chance at ending assumptions and second thoughts regardless of aftermath, unmindful of possible disappointments. But I was left hanging; wondering if it was just me feeling that way.

I’m emotionally drained, miserably drenched. I did a lot to distract myself but not so long after, I unconsciously run back to base. Unfair, I said, but considering the wrong decisions I’ve made apparently turn tables. This is the price I pay for being childish, frail and unfaithful. Is there anything more morbid than emotional torment? I’d be happier to take physical distress than be consistently in such a state.

All this time, I’ve been in melancholy over the complications of what the old me had inflicted. People have been telling me to move on. Then I told them they’re absurd. Had it been that easy, I could have made my way out of this dragging situation. I’ve had more attempts than one could imagine in the light of escaping from this discomfort I’m trapped in. The question was never on whether I could move on or not but on how I could make it happen. Ironic as it could be but I’ve been giving advices to a countless number of people experiencing the same dilemma yet I can’t even figure something out for myself. They say rainbows don’t go ahead of storms when they come but sometimes I ask if they’ll ever come after this gloomy and stormy chapter of my life. Right now, all I know is that I’m vulnerable. Here’s hoping that the wind changes direction soon, bringing back my happiness to me like how it was before.

Just like fairy tales, I’m hoping that one day a happy ever after in my life could be in sight. I can wait… even forever. No, I won’t tire waiting if it’s the last thing I could do. At least it’s the only one that keeps me going; telling me that happiness is just around the corner waiting to be unveiled, revived, or miraculously recalled.

Now I’m taking the slightest chance that you could, one day, be able to read these words I’m about to say… I love you even if you love someone else, even if I’ll have someone else. You’ll always have a special place in this heart of mine. Meeting you was never a big accident, nor was it a mistake. It was my life’s defining moment. Without you, life will never be the same again. Without you, something will always be missing. Without you, I’ll only end up reminiscing…