Of Life, Lush and Love

Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Oftentimes people stop, think and eventually ask themselves where they are headed to. Ironically, I wasn't part of that comprehensive list. At some point I told myself, "am I really going somewhere?" It was the most mature question I have asked myself by far. 22 years and running and yet I don't see a clear path as to what I really want to be and where I want to be. My brother told me it's fine, he went through the same dilemma before. But he didn't stop there. Then I realized that I had to pick myself up from the desert-setting and put myself to a road eventually leading somewhere. Good point! The difficult question was "how?" Do I really have a plan for myself or do I rely on what may come my way? To tell you honestly I do not hold the answer to that question yet but I know I have to have a say and a firm decision.

Looking at my past tells me that I have been gearing toward the brighter side of life. But does it really have to stop there? What if I have reached that point where people would see the big difference in me, would I then be free to say I've won my race? At work, where I feel under-appreciated, I continue to do what I know is right despite the fact that nobody acknowledges or even sees it. It becomes a question on whether I work to please them or myself. With the way it goes, I could say that I would eventually end up pleasing myself for the untainted leadership that I have contained in me since day one. My only consolation is the thought that I know I'm way better than them and my résumé could spare me from the explanations that you might demand from me. Apart from that, I tell myself that I wouldn't be able to bring their "acknowledgements" with me in the event that I decide for a change in career path. But despite those said, I'm still grateful for all the learning I had and I can't deny the fact that I'm enjoying my job as of yet.

Work is a mixed bag for me. Sadly, the same is true with the way my hypothalamus is going. Emotions wasted, tears shed and efforts all vanished - that was what I thought love would be. I was wrong. While they may be apparently true, I knew they were only a part of the entire learning process and not necessarily the real gist of love itself. Life is a risk; so is love. Every move you make could be your last. Sometimes no matter how you give it your best, if you're not bound to last you perhaps never will. Moreover, it's our choices that count the most. Staying away from potential trouble is the safest at that. Like any situation, it's best to see the pros and cons of any action before it gets executed. It is not always, though, that we are given the luxury of time to think before we act. In such, it becomes a toss between what your mind and your heart deems right. All these thoughts are learning from the past that I found to be very vital in any kind of relationship. At this point of constant learning, I try to look back and see what went wrong and how I could possibly do away with them at present. Like what they say, it's better safe than sorry.

It's tough to give yourself a direction when you don't even know where to start finding yourself. It's just like striving to reach a goal without knowing what that goal exactly is. Sadly, I was pertaining to myself. I'm lost right now; not even a GPS device can find me. All I know is I don't have all the time to stay stagnant and wait for the thermal wind to come before I decide to do something.

I am not getting any younger and I know I have to make a move. Starting may be a big challenge but never impossible.